


What the FU-dge... (old version)

by Vasilisian



Category: Naruto
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Because of Reasons, Gen, I think Itachi at some point as well, Minato and Kushina, Naruto's head is way to crowded, Ninja's are way too prone to adopting children, Prank war with ANBU, Pranks, There will be a new rewritten version uploaded under the same name if anybody is interested, and now this extra person I have shoved in there, because why not, but this is Naruto. there are no nice villagers in Naruto aside from the ramen guy and his daughter, even if the person doing the parenting doesn't know they are parenting, good parenting, shitty villagers, so many pranks, sorry - Freeform, we have the Kyuubi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 05:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8151350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vasilisian/pseuds/Vasilisian
Summary: This had not been what I'd expected from the afterlife, but I could roll with it (kinda). But one thing was for certain.If I had to share a body with Uzumaki Naruto, I NOT going to wear kill-me orange for the next twelve years.(This work is unfinished and will stay that way. A new, mostly rewritten version will be posted on this account under the same title, but I will leave this one up so that people can see where the original idea came from.)





	1. The (Sarcastic) Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Various scenarios for this AU have been floating around in the mess I call a brain for the past year(s) and I finally decided to get in gear and write it. Hopes for this to be finished are actually pretty high, since I have so much stuff already thought up. The plot is still up in the air on this though ;P

This was bullshit. It really was. Being shoved into the as-of-yet unborn body of Uzumaki Naruto to share with said baby was fucking unfair. I mean, if I had to be reborn into a fucking anime, the least I could get was my own body, but noooo, I had to share with Mister Optimistic. Also, people that write about being reborn either skip over the being born part or just say it was terrifying and traumatizing while not elaborating.

But let me tell you something. Dying in excruciating pain on a surgery table in some random hospital after being hit by a bus, then waking up in the dark together with what sounds like an imbecile, being given birth to not five minutes later, immediately getting kidnapped by a maniac with plans of world domination and then having a twenty-story tall demon fox sealed into you stomach is not the best way to find out you ended up in an anime series with more plot holes than a termite infested tree.

Like, how much would knowing the anime really help me? Kishimoto had all the plot-planning skills of a five-year old. Does anybody actually know what happened during the first twelve years of Naruto's life? Sure, we get some shitty flashbacks about how horrible his life is but no real concrete information. When did he move out of the orphanage? When did he enroll in the Academy?

Who the fuck knows, certainly not Kishimoto.

So, back to having a demon fox sealed into my stomach. As a baby, my-er, our? eyes didn't work worth shit. But while I might not have been able to see them, but I could certainly hear his-my-our? parents fighting, trapping and then dying to the Kyuubi.

And let me tell you, it's even sadder in person even without visuals. I might have only known them as characters on a screen before, but now they had given their life for me-us (and wasn't that going to get confusing).

It was around that point that my-our (we were sharing, it was ours) baby body gave into sleep. Which led to a new revelation. When our body was asleep, I ended up in a corridor in Naruto's head. And, surprisingly, it wasn't a sewer. It was just an ordinary white corridor with lamps spaced evenly apart, bringing to mind a hospital corridor. Which leads to the question, why was it shown as a sewer later in the anime?

Now, I didn't register this until later since I was a bit busy having a panic attack. I'd had a long day and it had just caught up with me. I died, then I suddenly wasn't dead and now I'm sharing a body with the protagonist of a pretty violent anime series who had a very shitty life compared to my previous one.

I would have to deal with the hatred and fear of the villagers, Sasuke, fan-girl Sakura, the Sound invasion with Gaara, Sasuke, two years with a pervert, the Akatsuki, Sasuke, the Akatsuki again, some war I never read about properly and Sasuke. Did I mention having to deal with Sasuke?

And this, ladies and gentlemen, was my introduction into the Naruto universe.

Joy.

–  


Now, I'm going to be honest here. As soon as I figured out how to retreat into Naruto's head even while our body was awake, I stayed there for the next few months. I'd had to deal with the hatred and fear for two weeks, and I was already losing my shit. It alternatively made me want to either go on a rampage and kill everyone or curl up in a ball and waste away. The things the people at the orphanage said to me-us was inhumane, from insults to death-threats. I-we were a child, for gods sake! Just a baby. It didn't help that I had to deal with Naruto as well.

He couldn't really help it, but sharing a body and mind with a baby wasn't really the best way to help me keep what was left of my sanity. They were loud and demanding at the best of times, but one that was mostly ignored by his care-takers? Let's just say that when little Naruto found out I couldn't really ignore him because I was a decent human being, I never got a moment of peace.

I looked down at the wailing child in my arms, thought about how the next few years could pan out, and fought the urge to scream. I knew that would be a terrible idea, so I instead made a sound that might have sounded soothing if you were suffering from a very mild case of severe hearing damage. No surprise, it didn't have any effect aside from making little Naruto cry harder.

This was gonna be a long few years.

_  


Okay, so maybe I was wrong on my first thought of how bad our lives would be.  


And while I can't say that the next five years of our lives were fun and games, they weren't as bad as Naruto's original childhood years. I tried to shield the little guy from the worst of the abuse, and tried to teach him anything useful like how to act like the perfect darling and charm people into giving you stuff (what can I say, I'd always been my grandma's little angel).  


How to read and write wasn't something I could teach him since I never learned Japanese (or at least I thought it was Japanese), but what I was capable of helping him understand and remember the lessons he did get. This also had the side-effect of helping me with Japanese, which I really needed since I wasn't a child and did not have the kind of mental flexibility Naruto had.  


But yeah, I managed to give little Naru-chan a pretty decent childhood, if I have to say so myself. The obsession with orange was mixed with my own fashion sense, which meant that there was a very colorful kid running around playing pranks on everybody. Yes, I loved colorful clothes and Naru-chan was blessed with a complexion and bone structure that meant nearly everything suited him.

And man, our pranks were amazing. It wasn't just splashing paint or glitter everywhere. No, our pranks were creative and visually stunning. Especially the one we'd been working on for nearly a month now. Everything had to be in place and carefully timed in order to get the perfect result. It was really a masterpiece of a prank. Or it would be, once we set everything off.

Five hundred paint-tags placed all over the city, a giant banner ready to displaying it's contents on the Hokage Monument, and I was just directing Naruto on the angle we needed to get the perfect shot for the make-shift slingshot we'd built using two trees on top of the Hokage Mountain to launch glitter and confetti into the skies of Konoha.

Now you might wonder, what was this all for? Well, it was all Naruto's idea. It was the Sandaime's birthday, and the little cinnamon roll had decided that we needed to throw a giant party. And what party was complete without a rainbow of paint and glitter everywhere? (I had may or may not have a second reason for splattering the entire Konoha population with paint and glitter. I had not forgotten the way people treated and still treat Naruto. I wanted a bit of petty revenge.)

It was going to be glorious! (for us)


	2. The (Mischievous) Prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the prank is executed and an unexpected offer is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was checked over by my amazing beta Laura. Darling, this would have been so much messier if it wasn't fo you, I'm so grateful that you reviewed this chapter for me <3

We stood at the top of the Mountain, laughing as chaos reigned below. It had taken us ages to set this all up, and we were already in trouble for taking a book from the library we technically weren't allowed to have in order to find out how to set all the tags off at the same time, but it was worth it.  
It was all worth it. Hell, there was gonna be a giant bruise on our face from the rebound on the slingshot, and we'd cut ourselves in our hurry to cut the rope for the banner.

But oh. It was beautiful. There was paint everywhere, from people to houses to trees just- wow, we'd even managed to get some on the Hokage Tower. Huh, no idea how that got there, we didn't place any tags nearby for fear of detection. I then thought back to the book we borrowed and realized that we might have accidentally used the Grade 2 version of the tag. Oops.

'Okay Naru-chan, it's time for Phase Two.' I could feel a huge wave of excitement well up inside Naru-chan at the mention of Phase Two, and I couldn't help but match it. How couldn't I, when Phase Two was something we'd been working towards completing for months now? It was Naruto that had come up with the idea, which I hadn't been surprised by. I'd been living in his head for years now, I knew just how creative (and sadistic, which had been surprise) he could be.

Now it just so happened that few months ago we had managed to find a seemingly forgotten entrance into the Anbu Headquarters while roaming the sewers for Reasons (that merchant totally had it coming after refusing to sell us tomatoes, a few rats were nothing really even is they were the size of a house cat). 

Now, normally I would have urged Naruto to tell the Hokage immediately since it was a dangerous security flaw and he would have agreed, but our find just happened to come a few days after the Anbu Sparrow had taken our pet cat from us and we were both feeling up for some good old fashioned revenge. The fact that the cat belonged to someone else didn't really matter to us, they were abusing it so they didn't deserve to get poor Toka-chan back anyway.

Naru-chan and I both wanted to get back at that arsehole Sparrow. Problem with that, we didn't know who he was when he wasn't Sparrow. So instead of trying to find out, we were just gonna prank all of Anbu. They were all a bit arrogant, so it was good for them to realise that they weren't perfect (I may have also been hoping to get ROOT as well, just to fuck with Danzo, but I wasn't picky).

And finally, after five months of careful planning, we were ready to set Phase Two into action. Phase One, no matter how glorious, was actually just a distraction for us to successfully pull of our prank on the entire Anbu division. You see, while we used water-removable paint for the tags for Phase One, the tags Phase Two had non-washable neon-coloured paint, glitter, glue, honey, tree sap and coloured feathers in them, along with other substances that they would be better of not identifying (sewers may have been involved).

Oh, and lets not forget the bees. Those were very important. Especially since we were gonna set them loose at the same time as the big honey tag. I was brought out of my thoughts of bees and other things as Naruto slipped into the sewers, gloved hands pulling the metal cover back in place behind him. I focused on the screen in Naruto's mind that showed me what he saw, a mix of nervousness and anticipation bubbling in my stomach.

We were going to do it. We were going to prank the most elite division of ninja in the village, after we had already pranked the village as a whole. This was going to go down in history. There was no way we would let this be buried. 'I don't care how much extra homework we have to do or if we have to clean everything ourselves. We will get our credit.' A wave of agreement and pride washed over me, causing my grin to grow even larger.

As we drew closer to the wall that hid the entrance, a low buzzing sound filled the air, steadily growing louder as we kept moving. One final corner, and there it was. The largest container that we could carry comfortably, filled to with bees. It stood right next to the entrance,which actually looked like a wall but wasn't. As Naruto prepared to open the door which led to an empty supply closet, I went over the plan one last time.

'Okay, thanks to Phase One, Anbu is probably going to be emptier than normal. That doesn't mean we can get sloppy. If we get caught early on, Phase Two will fail. We can't afford to let that happen, not after all the work we put into this. Plant as many tags as you can, as stealthily as you can. Run as soon as someone sees us and whatever you do, don't stop throwing tags everywhere. Make sure to use both the instant tags and the remote ones. Hopefully they'll think the remote ones are either failures or have already been set off.'

That was the brilliance of Phase Two. It came in two parts. The instant tags which blew a second after you activated them and would cause the first round of chaos, and the remote tags as I liked to call them, which like the name suggests, can be set off remotely. The plan was to scatter them everywhere, and once Anbu started clean-up, we'd set them off, hopefully getting everybody and making them clean up a second time.

If we were made to do the clean-up, even better. We'd know the perfect timing. But enough about that, we were sneaking into Anbu. This was no time for distractions, especially since we were holing a container of buzzing bees. The noise was bound to attract attention. 'Okay, start tagging. The tags in your left pocket are remote tags, the right ones are instant.' One last reminder, and we were off!

I kept a sharp eye on the screen in front of me, checking everywhere for signs of life as Naruto crept through the blank hallways. The place was just as creepy as I'd assumed it would me, with it's  
dark-grey walls, ceilings and floors. The lights were built into the ceiling with metal grating covering them, and there were no doors. It looked like it came straight out of a horror film. All that was missing was the flickering lights...

It was just for split-second, but that was enough for me. 'High left! Run for it!' Naruto didn't question me, just ran for it while throwing an instant tag over his shoulder. Neon-green paint was instantly splattered all over the hallway, and more importantly, all over the Anbu agent that had been sneaking up in us from the ceiling.

It bought us those precious few seconds as the now green operative processed the fact that they'd been pranked in their own base. But the chase was soon on, with more tags being set of left and right. We took a hard right and nearly ran straight into the arms of a waiting Anbu agent, but managed to duck just in time. So instead of getting a mischievous brat, the goat masked agent got a tree-sap tag straight in the face.

Shrieking with laughter, Naruto ran at full speed away from the pursuing agents deeper into the base. Tags were flying everywhere, the bees were buzzing angrily at being shaken by the running and the Anbu operatives were desperately trying to stop the tags from hitting them and failing  
(They were good, but it was a narrow corridor and there wasn't much room to dodge).

Alarms started ringing, the lights switching from white to a flashing red. I let out a hysterical giggle, my eyes wide and shining as I revelled in the chaos we had created. It was a rush, the flashing lights, the chase and just general mess adding up to a exhilarating experience. 'Duck right and under! Through the double doors!' Naruto went low, sliding right under someone with a sheep mask, through the door they had just came out of.

'Jackpot!' And what a jackpot it was. The food hall, packed with annoyed and startled Anbu. It seems word had spread that it wasn't an enemy attack and they'd let their colleagues deal with it. Big mistake, because now they were all in one place, and we still hadn't set of the honey tag. Well, that was quickly remedied!

'Now! And set the bees loose as well, we're gonna get caught any second now!' And with a spectacular bang, the honey tag went off, splattering every centimetre of the hall. Ignoring the honey that now covered his clothes (this is why I told him to wear old ones), Naruto screwed open the container, setting the agitated bees loose.

Now, normally the bees wouldn't have done anything but buzz around harmlessly, but they'd been stuck in a jar for an entire night, not to mention the chase had shaken them around quite a lot. They were free, and they were angry. I'd prepared for this, and had told Naruto to put on some shinobi-grade bug repellent. This shit could keep away the average Aburame Kikaichu, some normal bees didn't stand a chance.

And in what would forever be known as the Bee Incident, nearly two hundred angry bees went on a rampage in the Anbu food hall. The poor shinobi never stood a chance. Naruto was about to throw the rest of his instant tags into the air to go end with a bang, but a few whispered words stopped him. A fox-like grin spread across his face, and he left a few tags in his pocket, while the rest went into the air along with some remote tags.

Tree-sap, glitter, paint, glue, feather and pine-cones (where did those come from?) flew everywhere, adding another layer to the panic and chaos that currently reigned. 'Down!' Naruto threw himself to the ground just in time to avoid the flaming pine-cone. It instead attached itself to a brunette that had been about to grab Naruto. He immediately burst into flames (glue was very flammable, apparently. Good to know), but was consequently in the face with what looked like a Water Bullet. Oops.

While I was distracted by the brief appearance of the Human Torch, Naruto had decided to skedaddle on out of there. 'Good choice. We might actually get some more places with the remote tags.' This statement was closely followed by Naruto being dog-piled by no less than six Anbu operatives. Oh well, we still had the second part of Phase Two, and that left-over instant tag was nearly burning a hole in our pocket.

-

“Naruto, how did you get into the Anbu headquarters?” Despite the serious tone, the Sandaime's eyes twinkled with amusement. Well what did you know, the old man apparently found the suffering of his subordinates amusing. I liked him better immediately. “That's actually why we were there Jiji! You see, there's this wall in the sewers that's not actually a wall and it leads to an empty closet and that closet leads to the Anbu base! We just wanted to tell them about it when they attacked us. We had no choice but to fight back! We were defending ourselves!”

The shit-eating grin splitting Naruto's face in half said that this was complete bullshit, but who cared? We'd had fun, and alerted both Anbu and the Hokage about a flaw in their security at the same time. Talk about awesome! 'Good job Naru-chan! We'll probably get into a heap of trouble for this, but we had a lot of fun with this.' I felt what felt like a hug made of happiness and satisfaction, which was Naruto's was of agreeing with me when we were around people.

That was one drawback of this whole business. Naruto couldn't talk back to me in his mind unless he was there as well, and while it was possible for Naru-chan to come back here without passing out, it did leave his body completely motionless and left to stare into space. Yeah, very creepy thing to see. He did it in front of a mirror once, he'd had nightmares about it for a week. I could add a bit of motion, but it took a lot out of me. On the other hand, it would probably come in very handy once we entered the Academy. By then it should be easier for me to twitch is foot or shift his head while still paying attention to class.

Naruto would be running around in his mind-scape while I was in the control-room, as I called it. And there was plenty to explore. While a part of it had turned into sewers (which I attributed to both the villagers treatment and Kurama), the majority was occupied by a forest filled with mystical creatures and a giant mansion with dozens of rooms, all containing different thing, kinda like the Room of Requirement from Harry Potter.

I was distracted from my plans for graduating the Academy while not being Dead last by a surge of shock coming from Naruto. My eyes snapped to the screen dominating the control-room, and I called up the short-term memory of the last ten minutes while trying my best to figure out what was going on. I'd never felt a surge of emotion that strongly from Naruto before, I needed to know what had caused it (and maybe try and kill it. Hey, who could blame me for being protective).

What. Did the old man really just say that? I focused on the small window that had popped up the in the bottom corner, feeling my eyebrows creep up my face the longer Jiji talked. Okay. That was unexpected. I dismissed the window, and focused on the current time events. Naruto sent me a questioning nudge with an uncertain edge to it. I sent back all the reassurance and love I could muster along with my words.

'Okay, so this is not what we expected, but it's not a bad thing. And while I can and definitely will give you advice on this, it's ultimately your choice, Naru-chan. If you wanna do this, I'm certainly not going to stop you. It's a pretty cool offer, don't you think?' Hell yeah it was cool. Stealth and trap training with Anbu? It was most certainly not what I had expected, although I was sure it was mostly meant as punishment for Anbu for failing so spectacularly in stopping us.

A little voice in the back of my head whispered about the consequences this would have on the plot, but I'd decided that the so called 'Plot' could go fuck itself. If it wanted to remain intact, it's shouldn't have involved me. I was here, and I was going to help Naruto grow into his fullest potential, not just create a dozen different versions of the Rasengan (no matter how cool they were).

So if he wanted to shine bright earlier on than the 'Plot' called for, I certainly wasn't going to stop him. No, I was going to be first in line to encourage and support him. I'd grown very attached to Naruto in the five years I've lived in his head and there was little I wouldn't do for him, even if my options were limited at the moment. I'd just work harder at helping and teaching him, and just doing everything I could to be there for him.

“I accept your request for help! I'll have them shaking in their boots in no time!” 

And with a giant shit-eating grin, Naruto set off not just the last instant tag in his pocket, but also all the remote tags we'd planted back in Anbu.

Oh yeah, this was going to be so much fun!

-

It went without saying that the second round of tags had created pandemonium, with everything that had been cleaned up now again covered in various materials. The old man unfortunately escaped by ducking under his desk, but we did get both the paperwork and the Anbu that had escorted us here. We got a pat on the head from Jiji for that one, despite that fact that this meant getting gunk on his hand.

“That was quite the trick, Naruto-kun.” The Sandaime chuckled as both Rat and Goose (? I think it was a goose at least) tried to wipe off the tree-sap. 'Three, two, one...' And then the hardening solution we'd added to the tags set it, glueing their hands in place. “Yeah! It worked.” Naruto bounced with happiness at the successful prank while the old man chuckled at the misfortune of the Anbu.

“Very cleverly done, Naruto-kun! If you keep going like this, there won't be anything Anbu to teach you trap wise.” I couldn't help but let out a laugh and didn't bother to shield my emotions from Naruto.

'Tell him! You have to, it's be so funny.' Naru-chan cackled in delight, spinning in a quick circle. “Then those mask guys will just have to get creative, because that wasn't everything! I also had some tags that I can set off at a distance.” Then the little devil had the gall to turn around and smirk at the two Anbu still trying to get their hands loose, putting his own notably free hands behind his head.

“I guess your friends are gonna have to start all over again with the clean-up.”

I had gotten so lucky as to whose body I landed in. Little Naru-chan was already learning about the Fine Art of Timing, along with the Arts of Sassy, Sarcastic and, most importantly, Chaos. Oh yes, he was turning out to be a good person to share a mind and body with (and while I still would have preferred to have my own body, my feelings where shifting from grudging acceptance to something that looked a little like satisfaction.)


	3. The (Lazy) Anbu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Anbu are shitty teachers and Naruto makes some friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this chapter is late. My beta-reader Laura was busy with school and didn't have time to edit the chapter, so I tried to edit it myself and discovered that the writing quality went to hell at the end. So I had to rewrite a huge part, and then send it off to a girl I met on Tumblr who edited it for me. Thank you so much Ultra!
> 
> So now, four days late, chapter three is finally being posted. I hope you enjoy!

'Just keep running! We can hide in that tree on the Academy training-ground.'

Let me make one thing clear. Anbu were insane, very last one of them. And while I knew that there was something wrong with all the children in this universe (have you ever really thought about the fact that Kakashi became a fucking ninja at five?), I'm pretty sure that only Naruto could survive the shit these animal-masked fuckers made us do.

The running, god, the running. I'd thought we were going to be taught how to be stealthy and set traps, not how to run as fast as we could through the forests of Konoha while they chased us with kunai. Naruto had gotten sick of it on day one, and even I was getting annoyed with the constant running. I just wanted to turn this back on them...

Oh. OH, that explained so much.

'Hey Naru-chan, they want us to try and trap them. That's how they're gonna teach us. By trying to sneak up on them and trap them, it would teach us how to do it, and how to get better at it. Learn from our mistakes and all that.'

I could feel hesitation coming from Naruto, which was understandable. He'd had some experience with teachers abandoning him when he did something 'wrong' (I still hadn't forgotten about Aki. She might look innocent, but she was a she-devil in disguise). 

'Look, they're Anbu. We might have gotten them with The Prank, but this is something else. They're expecting us, they know our tricks and we currently aren't stealthy enough to sneak up on them. Heck, our traps also aren't good enough to get them even if we could sneak up on them. This is how they want us to practice.' And now for the last push. 'We could always ask, just to make sure.'

And that's how we found ourself being held up by our ankle by an Anbu wearing what looked like some sort of messed up frog mask. “Ne Froggy-san, am I supposed to sneak up on you and try and get you with a trap? Is that the way I gotta train?” All we got as a response was being tossed into a nearby pond, which was enough of an answer for me. 'Let's do this.'

We failed at our first attempt, of course. The second and third attempts were shut down as quickly as the first, but we made a breakthrough on the fourth try. Well, it was less of a breakthrough and more me remembering something from the anime.

Sensing. That's how they could always tell where we are. And with Naruto's ridiculous chakra capacity, he must look/feel like a literal ball of sunshine for any half-way decent sensor.

But how could we hide it? I didn't know enough about sensing to teach Naruto, which left us with only one option. 'Hey Naru-chan? We gotta go to the library.' There probably wouldn't be too many books that we were allowed to read, but there had to be something, anything that could help us. We'd already spent a week messing around and now we only had three weeks left to figure out how to conceal our chakra in some way.

(It never occurred to me that maybe they were just trying to teach us normal stealth, not how to conceal our chakra. But then I'd already gotten into the habit of overestimating shinobi as a whole. Could you really blame me with examples like Naruto, Sasuke or any main character for that matter? They were all so overpowered that the subtle parts of the shinobi life were forgotten.)

We managed to get to the library with little trouble, and were soon browsing through the stacks in search of books on sensing. “What are you doing here, brat?” Naruto spun around, ready to retort with a snarky comment when he got a good look at the lady. She had scars on her face, and was looking down at us with blank look on her face. “Looking for a book.”

“Obviously, this is a library. But what kind of books could a brat like you be looking for?”

Naruto lifted his head and set his jaw, stubbornness practically radiating from his small body. “Sensing and concealing chakra.” The woman raised an eyebrow, making her scars twist gruesomely. “Sensing? Why would a kid like you look up sensing? How did you even find out about it, anyway?” Naruto went from stubborn to pouting in seconds.

“I'm supposed to be learning stealth and trapping from some shinobi, but they just chase me around. So I realized that I had to sneak up on them and trap them, but they always know I'm coming. And even if I did sneak up on them, they didn't teach me anything on how to improve my traps so I have to figure that out on my own.”

The woman smirked, leaning against a bookcase with her arms crossed. “Sounds pretty unfair. Want me to lend a hand?” 

Yes, I did not trust this lady. But she looked like she had a lot of experience, the Anbu were being really unfair and if she made a wrong move all we had to do was tell the Sandaime.

So instead of advising Naruto to tell her to fuck off, I just grinned and let the kid do what he did best. “I'd be glad to work with you. My name's Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto.” He grinned, and I could feel just how happy he was to have made a new friend.

“The pleasure is all mine kid. I'm Takeda Arisu, but you can call me Takeda-san.” She pushed of the bookcase and walked over to Naruto with the grace and silence of an experienced shinobi. We really hit the jackpot with this lady. “So who are we pranking anyway? I don't know many shinobi that would teach a brat that isn't even in the Academy.”

The only warming I got was a flash of mischief before Naruto proceeded to try his best to give our new accomplice a heart attack.

“Well, I pranked Anbu by sneaking into their base through a forgotten secret entrance. I set off a bunch of tags filled with paint, glitter, tree-sap, glue and I also had this giant honey tag. That one I set off in the cafeteria along with a bunch of angry bees, which was pretty cool. They brought me to Jiji, the Hokage,” He clarified to the shocked kunoichi, who seemed have realized this wasn't just a shinobi picking on the jinchuuriki but something much bigger.

“-to try and get me into trouble, but he just made them train me in stealth and traps as punishment for being lazy.” Takeda-san twitched, whether at Naruto calling the Hokage Jiji or saying the Anbu were lazy. “And I went to get back at them for not training me properly, but I want to do it using the stuff they were supposed to teach me, ya know?”

I nearly fell over from laughing as poor Takeda-san realized just what she had gotten herself into. I do hope she stuck around, I was liking her more by the minute. She made an impressive recovery though. “Yeah, of course. Beat them at their own game. But I'm not good enough at stealth to sneak up on an Anbu. Trap them, maybe but I'm not good enough at stealth.” Before Naruto had time to get disappointed, she continued with a smirk.

“I do have a friend that could help us with that. It'll take some convincing, but he should go for it if you bat those baby blues of your at him. He's always been a sucker for kids.” And there came reason number two to like Takeda-san. I was most certainly never letting her go, and I could practically feel it when Naruto's attachment to her went from 'I like her' to 'I'm never letting her leave (me)'.

-

So after some more talking, Takeda-san said she wanted to observe Naruto's skill-level in stealth, and the way she was going to test is was by giving Naruto an address and telling him to get there as sneakily as he could. She would track him and observe how good he was at blending in and avoiding being seen by people. 

'We're definitely keeping her, she's already putting more work into teaching us than our supposed teachers ever did.' Naruto hummed in agreement while slipping into a back-alley. We'd been in this part of Konoha less than others, so there was a real risk of getting lost. But Naruto drew too much attention in the main streets, what with his reputation and colourful clothes (I did so like my pinks and blues).

The streets became narrower the further we got from the main roads, until it suddenly opened up when we reached the red-light district. Now, as a young boy with slightly exotic features, Naruto would normally have to be very careful in a place like this.

But the people were nicer than everywhere else. After seeing him grow up running around this place the whores had grown protective of the little ball of sunshine, and they'd gut anybody that messed with him. We hadn't had the time to hang out with them lately since we'd been planning The Prank, but after this we would hopefully be able to visit them more.

(I never expected to make friends with the whores, but they were wicked smart and delighted in teaching Naruto any tricks he might need later in life. I did make sure Naruto knew when to stop them when they went a bit far, but overall they were all very well behaved when it came to Naruto).

Something I had noticed early on was that shinobi generally avoided roof-hopping over the red-light district, either out of courtesy or to avoid seeing or hearing things they didn't want to. Which meant the roofs were empty for our use.

Naruto clambered up a drainpipe onto the roof of what I was pretty sure was a BDSM whorehouse from the noises coming from it, and ignored the noise with practised ease. He jumped onto the next roof over and settled into an easy rhythm of running and jumping. There was an art to roof-running, since you had to make sure to not put a hole in it. 

But Naruto had been doing this for a year already, and with my help in spotting weak spots we'd gotten quite good at it. And thanks to our experience, we made fast time to the edge of the red-light district, which bordered with a shinobi district on the north-east side of Konoha. The roofs there were very crowded in those, especially at this time. Like a shinobi version of rush-hour.

This wouldn't be to much of a problem, as the shinobi population mostly just ignored Naruto, but we were trying to be sneaky (although acting sneaky in a shinobi district was just begging to be stopped and maybe arrested). We had to pick the right way to traverse the district, while still making sure to not be too noticeable.

Acting like a civilian kid was right out, they didn't come here. Actually, kids in general were very noticeable in a shinobi district. Except red-light district children. And since it was right next to this shinobi district, we could just pretend we were the kid of a whore sent on an errand. 'You thinking what I'm thinking?.'

And so, after zipping our jacket up high to cover the whisker marks, we quickly made our way through the back-alleys of the shinobi district. There was a particular way that kids raised in a red-light district walked, brought on by seeing whores work and trying to blend in, Naruto had it down to pat. Next thing we know, we're standing in front of an apartment building on the outer edges of the district. It looked kinda shabby, but then every building housing shinobi did.

You see, shinobi didn't make the best of tenants. They could break a giant hole into your wall, ceiling or floor in a fit of anger or by accident. Many had nightmares that often led to them waking up screaming or attacking phantom enemies. Rent was also a bit iffy, since missions could last for months, and there was nothing fun about coming back from a long, tiring mission and finding out you've been evicted from your apartment.

All this summed up to the shinobi population of Konoha mostly living in apartment buildings owned by one of the major clans. These apartment buildings were mostly clumped together in a district, since the ones best suited to deal with rampaging shinobi were other shinobi. They kept each other in check.

Takeda-san's friend was apparently even harder on his apartment that regular shinobi, going by the charred door and multitude of gouges torn into the floor and surrounding walls. “Man, this guy sure is messy. What'd he do, take a sword to the walls?” 

“That's what happened when his traps are set off, actually.” Takeda-san had slipped down from the roof to land next to Naruto in front of her friends door. “You did good, for an amateur with no training. You made for a very convincing red-light kid, except everybody here can sense the ocean that is your chakra. The only reason you weren't stopped was because I was tailing you. You probably would have been arrested otherwise.”

Naruto whined. “Aww, this sucks! I'll never be able to sneak up on those animal-faced bastards if I don't stop radiating chakra like a rouge sun!” Takeda-san laughed and gabbed Naruto in a head-lock. “Don't worry about hat, my friend will help you with that. And even if he won't, which isn't going to happen if he wants to get any peace,-”

The grin on Takeda-san's face promised nothing but trouble. “-I'll make you so good at trapping that it won't matter if they can sense you, they'll get caught anyway.” That... was a very big commitment to make to a kid you barely knew. Especially since people could sense Naruto coming from a mile away so he'd have to be incredibly good to get somebody with a trap anyway.

“You have the potential to be great, and I'll going to help you get there.” Takeda-san suddenly leaned down, looking Naruto in the eyes. “And this way I get to prank Anbu. I'd do nearly anything to prank Anbu. They turned me down, said I was 'too flighty and prone to disobeying orders', whatever that means.” I could see why they thought that, but I had the feeling that Takeda-san was actually extremely intelligent and knew what she was doing.

After all, being a teacher of the Kyuubi jinchuuriki would probably get her into some high places in the future. Especially if Naruto became Hokage, which he was still obsessed with. And any Naruto fan knows that if Naruto if obsessed with something, he's gonna get it. I smiled and leaned back in my chair, happy with the knowledge that Naruto's future had just become that much more secure.

“What are you doing in front of my apartment?” Naruto twisted around to look at the nondescript shinobi that had just snuck up on them. Well, just us actually, Takeda-san had seen him coming. “Hey Hachiro! How's life treating you?” She asked with huge grin on her face. I'm pretty sure she couldn't wait to drag him into the mess Naruto and I had created. “Great! And I'm sure that with you here it's only going to get better.” The smile on his face couldn't be more fake.

I froze, Hachiro's words resonating with something deep inside me. It brought a dying flame back to life with a vengeance, filling me with renewed purpose. I had lost my way, the blade that was my will dulled by years raising an energy-filled child. I had to bring back the driving force of my previous life so that it may help Naruto in this one.

Sarcasm. 

Some may call it the lowest form of wit, but I knew better. It was capable of many things, from defusing a tense situation to digging in the knife of guilt just a little deeper. I had been teaching Naruto how to be sassy, but sarcasm was on a whole other level. I was going to make sure he could wield it with the same skill as he could a kunai. Because that was what sarcasm was, in the end. A weapon that could be used for attacking and shielding.

'Naruto, there are many things you can learn from this man. Do not him escape until he's taught you everything. His knowledge is priceless and we must get our hands on it.' Did I just doom this guy to be nagged by Naruto until he either gave up all his knowledge or spontaneously dropped dead? Yes. Did I feel guilty at all? Hell no, this was going to be hilarious and informative in equal measures. 

Naruto trained his eyes on Hachiro with laser-like intensity, looking for any clues as to what I meant by vital information. He was admittedly not much to look at, with brown hair, a nondescript face and the normal jonin uniform. In fact, if you stuck this guy in civilian clothing, he'd be overlooked by nearly everybody. You'd just walk right past him, not noticing the hidden kunai until it was buried in your throat.

It seemed Naruto caught on pretty quickly when he couldn't find anything about this guy that made him interesting. “How do you do that?” Brown eyes looked down at us, assessing Naruto in an instant. “Do what?” Naruto walked right up to him and squinted up at his face, making the guy lean back. “Be boring and unthreatening. There's nothing about you that would make me think shinobi, yet you're a jonin. You even walk like a civilian. How do you do that, and can you teach me?”

I knew exactly what Hachiro was faced with right now. An old friend with a grin on her face and a raised eyebrow, and a cute blond kid with the most amazing blue eyes begging him silently to teach (accept) him. The poor guy never stood a chance. He let out along sigh, brown eyes locking with the azure eyes looking back beseechingly. “I'll get you back for this Arisu. You'll never see me coming.”

Takeda-san's grin dropped at those words, making me think that she's been on the receiving end of Hachiro's anger before and she did not look forwards to repeat experience. “Okay, I'll teach you how to be stealthy, on one condition.” Naruto was nodding before the guy could even finish his sentence. “You have to tell me how you convinced Arisu not just to train you, but to get me involved as well.”

That's all? “I pranked the Anbu base and Jiji made them train me as punishment for being lazy, but they're being stupid so I want to prank them again by being sneaky and trap them. I couldn't sneak up on them, so I went to the library to look up a book about sensing where I met Takeda-san and she promised to help me with trapping and she said she had a friend that would help me with stealth.”

Hachiro didn't so much as twitch at the barrage of information. “Am I right in thinking your Jiji is the Hokage? And that your name is Uzumaki Naruto?” Naru-chan nodded silently, mesmerized by the easy was Hachiro deduced the old man's identity. “Fine. I teach you how to trap anybody your prankster heart desires, and in return you help me prank a specific Anbu. His mask is Sparrow.”

I narrowed my eyes, wondering at his motives. Hachiro didn't strike me as the kind of guy to just give in like that. What did he need Naruto's help for? He's more skilled than we are, there's nothing we can give him on that front. And it certainly can't be because he thought Naruto was creative, nobody knew about the prank on Anbu yet.

So what did he have to gain by involving Naruto? Was it to get closer to the Hokage? But this might actually piss-off the old man... Wait. Naruto had just confirmed that he called the Sandaime Jiji and that he got away with pranking the Anbu headquarters, so maybe he needed to political protection that being Naruto's teacher and friend would give him.

It could be that the guy he wants to get revenge on is somebody he can't touch without serious consequences, so he wants Naruto to take the blame since nobody is going to fuck with the Kyuubi jinchuuriki. Whatever it was, I didn't trust it. But I would trust Takeda-san and Naruto's own judgement, which was pretty good as well.

Naruto had hesitated when I didn't immediately tell him to accept the deal, but slowly nodded once I explained the situation to him. I wouldn't trust Hachiro entirely, but I would trust that he was smart enough to not try and screw over the kid directly connected to the Hokage that also happened to have a twenty-storey demon fox sealed inside his gut.

All in all, I would consider this day a success. We'd made two new friends (even if they didn't know they were our friends yet) and had the base of a plan to get back at those lazy Anbu. Life for Naruto was looking up, which I could only support. Now I just had one thing left to do before Naruto went to the Academy.


	4. The (Uncomfortable) Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Takeda-san becomes a sister, and I face some uncomfortable facts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a bit more serious than the last ones. Naruto's childhood was pretty shit, and in this chapter we deal a bit with that. I would like to thank Laura and Brittany for beta-reading this for me, it had an embarrassing amount of spelling mistakes XD. The next chapter could be a bit late since my family and I are currently driving through the Rocky Mountains, which means I can't write in the car (the road is too twisty) and I am too wiped out to write much once we get to and Inn or Motel. I hope you can be patient with me :D

Takeda-san had said she and Hachiro had to discuss how they were going train Naruto, so I made the decision that the day had been long enough and it was time to go home. Well, Naru-chan calls it home, I just think of it as the shit-hole. But it wasn't like I could get a job and rent a better place for Naruto and me (it was times like this when I cursed the fact that I didn't have my own body).

But yeah. Home. The apartments on the top floor (technically we only had one, but nobody wanted to live next to Naruto), had a decent view, which didn't make up for the fact that the shower was always cold and there were stains on the walls which looked disturbingly like old blood. The holes in the floor were just the icing on the cake.

I didn't like the place, and I was in fact pissed as fuck at the Sandaime for putting Naruto in this shit-hole. He was the Hokage, for fucks-sake. How hard could it be to remodel? All you had to do was re-plaster the walls, replace a couple floor-boards and get a plumber to look at the pipes. Was the village that short on money and resources?

Apparently that was either too hard to do or he hadn't thought of it (I don't know which option made me angrier). I made sure Naruto cleaned the place every week, and it wasn't like he owned enough stuff to make much of a mess anyway. The electricity worked fine, and we thankfully didn't have any problems with the gas.

As I fumed about the shitty apartment, Naruto was quickly roof-hopping back to our district. It was pretty far from Hachiro-san's place, and the long day was starting to kick in. I jumped as Naruto let out a curse, watching as he nearly fell off a roof when a tile slid loose. Worry curled in my stomach as Naruto blinked and shook his head.

'Hey, if you're really tired you should take the road. It'll take a bit longer but if you fall of a roof, it's only going to make this trip worse.' I got a flash of determination and wakefulness in return, and could only watch as Naruto continued on his way. I made sure to pay extra attention for any weak spots on roofs or any oncoming traffic.

It took Naru-chan longer than normal, but we eventually reached our district. 'Okay, I don't care how determined you are, the roofs here are too treacherous for you right now. In this shape, you'll only put a foot through somebody's roof, and nobody wants that. Use the roads.' Naruto obeyed with a grumble, his landing sending up a cloud of dust.

Our apartment-building was not too far into the district, so it didn't take long to reach it. Naruto had gotten into the habit of using the fire-escape to reach our apartment after an incident with a drunk guy a year ago, and I whinched as Naruto laboriously pulled himself up the ladders. It was thankfully only a matter of seconds to disable the traps surrounding our window, and then we were inside. 

'Down!' 

Naruto obeyed without a second of hesitation, the water-balloon filled with a mix of glue and itching powder flying over his head out the window. There was a scream of shock as it landed on somebody on the street, and there was a moment of silence. Oh yeah, I forgot we set that one today. I shrugged. They'd be fine.

Naruto, on the other hand, was too wiped-out to care. He'd had a long day that started with being chased by Anbu through a forest, then going to library, meeting Takeda-san, sneaking to the other side of the village, entering a shinobi district for the first time in his life, meeting Hachiro and then the trek back to our apartment. And all this while on-edge about the Anbu finding him.

'Shower first, you'll thank me in the morning.' The tired blond trudged into the bathroom with minimal complaints, eyes drooping. 'Just a little longer, then you can crash. I'll try and do your morning for you tomorrow.' My ability to control Naruto's body was basically non-existent at the moment, but there were certain times when I could sort of guide his body through long-ingrained motions. Like sleepwalking.

After dumping his clothes onto the floor, Naruto slumped against the cold tile wall of the shower. He turned the knob as hot as it would go, and together we prayed that it would be at least be luke-warm water today. By some god-given miracle, the water seemed to have been warmed a bit by the sun. Naruto groaned in relief, rousing his aching body to wash up quickly.

It didn't last long though, the water going from slightly warm to ice-cold in a second. Naruto let out a miserable whine when he realized he still had to wash off the soap, and I tried to sooth him as much as I could. 'Come on buddy, just a quick dunk, then you can snuggle down under as many blankets as you want.' I cursed my inability to fix this. A cold shower might not seem like a big thing to some people, but to a tired and aching child it can have effects that will last for a day, if not a whole week.

Naruto dried off roughly, eager to dive into his bed. I was extremely grateful that it was a proper bed and not just a futon. Sleeping on the floor was not fun, not without a proper mattress. And I most certainly didn't think a futon counted as a real mattress. Naruto growled as he struggled with his pyjama shirt, sounding close to tears. I hurried to wrap him in love and comfort, speaking to him in a soothing voice.

'Naruto, I'm here. It's okay, you can sleep in a second, just calm down and follow my instructions. Pull your shirt off, then untangle the sleeves.' I waited patiently as the young boy did as instructed, making sure the sleeves were loose before trying again. It slipped on perfectly and he wasted no time slipping in his bed. He was out like a light in seconds.

I pulled him into his mind-scape, and scooped him up in my arms. “You did good today, Naruto. I'm here, I'm never leaving you Naru-chan. You can rest now, I'll look after you.” I looked down at the child dozing in my arms and felt a fierce protectiveness rise up in me. He was so young, and yet he carried such a heavy burden. He didn't even know. I hadn't told him, I couldn't. Not yet. But I would have to, and soon.

He needed to know about the Kyuubi before he went to the Academy. He needed to know why his teachers would treat him unfairly, why the children would bully and ignore him. I wasn't going to let him question for years why people hated him, why they feared him. I would tell him, I would show him where Kurama lived in his head. But before I could do that, I had to go there myself. 

I hadn't once, in all the years I'd been here, gone into the sewers to visit Kurama.

Maybe I should have gone, maybe I should have been trying to make friends with Kurama for years. But I'd been scared. Scared of how he would react to me, somebody that was both in the same position as him and not. Trapped, sealed within Naruto with no way out but death, and yet I had more freedom than he did. I got to see the world, even to experience it sometimes, while he was trapped in a cage in the dark with nothing to look at but dark wall and prison bars.

And if I was being completely honest, I'd been afraid he would turn me against Naruto. That he would mess with my head until I hated Naruto as much as he did. That he could've gotten me to give in to my resentment for my situation, to make me hate Naruto for trapping me. And while he was contained by the seal, I was free to hurt Naruto as much as I wanted to. I could pull him in here and tear him to shreds. I could break him, chip away at his determination until there was nothing left.

I could have made Naruto kill himself. Made him jump from the Hokage Mountain, take a knife to his throat, or attack civilians until the Sandaime was forced to put him down. And when I thought of that, when I thought of all the things I could have made him do if I'd wanted to, it terrified me. Some people might think that Naruto would have preserved regardless, but the only safe place he'd had as kid was inside his head, and I had free reign there.

So no. I had never gone to see Kurama, because I hadn't trusted myself. 

But I did now. I loved Naruto too much to hate him, was too attached to my role as his shield, his guardian and his friend to hurt him. I would go to Kurama, talk to him. Maybe I could leave a good impression, plant the seed of friendship for Naruto to make bloom.

Or maybe he would just curse at me. I just had to try.

-

The next day dawned bright, early and with insistent knocking on our front door. “Naruto-kun, it's Takeda-san!” I groaned, blinking as the noise got louder the more Naruto woke up. 'What the hell is she doing here so early?' I checked the wall of my bedroom, which cheerfully showed that it was six-thirty in the morning (you do not want to know how hard it was to get a clock to work properly in this place).

Why the fuck was she here this early? Does she not know children needed at least ten to twelve hours of sleep at this age? Naruto had barely gotten eight, he was in no shape to do any training right now. He might have incredible stamina, but Naruto was five. He might be able to keep going for days when he was older, but right now there was only one thing Naruto needed, and that was sleep.

“I'm coming! Stop knocking, you're giving me headache!” Ah. It seemed Naruto was tired enough that I had some control. Let's see how far I could stretch this. I immersed myself in the feeling of Naruto, my vision going black for a second before I saw through Naruto's eyes. I tried to lift a hand, and could feel the way Naruto's body fought against me.

It did not like me, but Naruto's body was tired and he hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday. So instead of being violently ejected back into Naruto's mind-scape, I instead pushed the blankets back and stood up. I wobbled my way over to the front door, somehow managing to stub Naruto's toes against everything along the way.

Cursing up a storm as I clutched my foot, I rested against the door for a second before opening it. “Why are you here so early? It's six-thirty, I was sleeping.” Takeda-san blinked, shocked at the change from the mostly cheerful boy from yesterday to this grumpy one.

“I'm sorry for waking you. I was going to ask you if you wanted to train today, but you look like you're gonna fall over in a stiff breeze.” She looked a bit hesitant, seeming to only just having realized that maybe six-thirty was a bit early for a kid Naruto's age.

“Can I come in or do you want me to come back later?” I shrugged, whinching as the movement made Naruto's aching muscles protest loudly. “You can come in if you want. Sorry for the mess, I came home pretty late last night. And this place isn't in the best shape to begin with.” Takeda-san walked in with caution, taking in the holes in the floor, the stains on the walls and the clothes Naruto wore yesterday that were still strewn on the floor.

I hadn't bothered to stick around, instead heading for the kitchen to make Naruto some breakfast. The milk in the fridge was thrown in the trash once I noticed the expiration date (last month. Really Naru-chan?). I gave up on cereal at that point and just grabbed a cup of instant noodles from the cupboard. I set the kettle to boil, adding more water than normal in order to make some tea as well.

“You want a cup of tea? I have green tea and jasmine.” When all I got as an answer was silence, I frowned and walked back into the living room. “Takeda-san, is anything wrong?” I found her just standing there, looking around with horror on her face.

“This is where you live? I mean, I saw the building and the stairs, but I thought the inside had to be better.” I just raised an eyebrow, feeling Naruto start properly wake up. It wouldn't be long before he took control, and I didn't want him to have to deal with this. “Yeah, it's not the best place, but it's not that bad. Hachiro-san's place looks even worse than this.” 

Takeda-san tore her gaze away from the largest blood-stain and looked me in the eye. “You really think this is okay? You're five, you shouldn't have to live in a place like this. Hell, you shouldn't have to live alone in the first place. Shouldn't you still be living in the orphanage?”

Oh hell no. Naruto was not going back to that orphanage. I still remembered perfectly how they treated him, especially when he was a baby, and I was not letting him go back there. “I don't mind it. It's better than the orphanage, that's for sure. Even if I don't get warm water.” The last part was muttered under my breath, but Takeda-san still heard me.

“You don't get hot water?” She sounded horrified. “Okay, that's it. I'm not letting you live here any longer.”

Who the hell did she think she was? I opened my mouth to argue, fury welling up inside me. “No. You do not get to argue with me on this. A warm shower is something no shinobi or shinobi-in-training should have to give up. It helps to relax your muscles and cleans small injuries you didn't notice.” Oh.

I paused, anger subsiding as Takeda-san looked me in the eyes with a serious look. “You didn't get warm water yesterday, did you? You winched when you shrugged, your muscles are sore. I never should have let you go home alone, especially so late at night.” She raised a hand to rub her face, the scars stretching weirdly. “Okay. I can't afford to rent an extra apartment, neither can Hachiro. Even if we pooled together we wouldn't get anything that's better than this.”

I watched in silence as Takeda-san paced in our small apartment. Naruto had just woken up, and I silently made the recent events play out on the screen in the control-room. He didn't say anything, but I could feel first the shock then the happiness as he realized somebody cared enough to do something about his living conditions.

I slowly let myself slip and let Naruto take control. I blinked, and suddenly I was back in the control-room.

He was silent as Takeda-san muttered to herself, and I could feel his quiet wonder. She better come up with something, or I was going to make her life hell for making Naru-chan get his hopes up only to have them crushed. I might not be capable of much now, but I would find a way.

“Okay. I think I got a solution. You go live with Hachiro. I would offer, but I have a lot of long missions and I don't want to leave you alone.”It took her this long to come up with a solution that simple?

“Now, I don't know much, but from what you told me, the Hokage is like your grandfather, right? Your guardian.” Naruto just nodded, not being able to talk through the lump in his throat. “It might be that you live here because some people think... certain things. The village is in a bit of a delicate place right now, so this might be a way to sooth some frayed nerves.”

I wasn't angry. No. How could I be? I'd suspected this for years, this was just confirmation. I was incredibly disappointed. I'd been hoping to be proven wrong, that the adults in this village weren't as bad as I had imagined them. But this? Making a child live in a shit apartment in a shit building in a shit neighbourhood, just so that they could get some kind of fucked-up feeling of safety?

Yeah, it was safe to say that any trust in the powerful adults in this place I had left was officially gone. Takeda-san and maybe Hachiro would get the benefit of doubt, but the Hokage and any of the clan heads? They would have to work their asses of to get my trust back. Naruto... Well, Naruto would probably respect them but trust would not come easy for him either.

Speaking of Naruto, he had frozen when Takeda-san explained what she thought of the situation. There was no shouting, no denials, just devastated silence. I gave a gentle prod in the general direction of his emotions, and nearly drowned in the hurt and betrayal. I cursed. Fuck it, I didn't care if I freaked out Takeda-san, Naruto needed me.

I tugged Naruto back into his head, simultaneously transporting myself to his room in the mind-scape. He appeared on his bed at the same time as my arrival, and immediately burst into tears. I rushed to him, and pulled him into my lap after sitting down next to him. “It's okay, cry as much as you want. I'm here, and I'm never leaving you.”

We sat there for a while, Naruto crying while I murmured a constant stream of reassurances. I could vaguely hear Takeda-san trying to rouse Naruto, but I honestly couldn't care less about her right now. She'd caused my little Naru-chan a great deal of distress with her words, so she could stew in the consequences for a while. “Naruto-kun, please answer me. Are you alright?”

I covered Naruto's ears, blocking her out. “Okay, that's enough. I'm taking you to the hospital. This kind of stillness isn't natural.” Shit, I'd forgotten about that. Naruto was still sobbing into my shirt, so I definitely couldn't make him take control to reassure Takeda-san. I needed Naru-chan's body to give some sign of life, but I didn't have enough power from here.

It was a matter of a thought to get us both to the control-room, and with the press of a few buttons and another thought, Naruto's body promptly burst into tears. There. That should keep Takeda-san distracted long enough for me to calm Naru-chan down a bit. It had the added bonus of Naruto's body being hugged and comforted along with his mind.

“Naru-chan, it's gonna be okay. I'm here for you, and so are Takeda-san and Hachiro.” Naruto slowly calmed down as the combined efforts of Takeda-san and I sunk in. He suddenly latched his short arms around my neck, burying his snotty and tear-stained face in my neck.

“You love me, don't you? You're not just putting up with me because you have nowhere else to go?” My heart cracked at the heart-broken words, and I was quick to sooth him. “Of course I love you Naru-chan. You mean the world to me. And I'm not just putting up with you. I love being your guardian and helping you.”

As I said the words, I realized that it was true. Any lasting resentment at my situation or towards Naruto was gone, wiped away when I'd felt his devastation at being told people really saw him as a monster, and that the Hokage had allowed him to live like this knowingly (which I was actually pretty pissed about).

“Are you better now? Takeda-san is getting a bit worried about you.” I felt Naru-chan nod against my chest, and gave his head one last pat before pulling back to look him in the eye. “Now, you don't have to if you don't want to, but it might be best if you took control again. You do look very creepy when you come back here while still awake.”

My words had the desired effect of drawing a giggle out of Naru-chan. I smiled back at him, happy that thing were a bit better now. They weren't fixed, far from it. I still had to explain the reasoning behind the fear and hatred the village held for Naruto, and then I had to introduce him to Kurama in such a way that he would try and make friends with him, or at least not hate the biju.

I watched as Naruto took back control of his body, slowly stirring in Takeda-san's arms. “I'm better now, Arisu-nee-chan.” I jolted, turning to look at the screen with wide eyes. Well that was unexpected. How was Takeda-san going to take being referred to as sister by the Kyuubi jinchuuriki?

I shouldn't have worried, as after freezing for a moment, Takeda-san just hugged Naruto tighter. “New nickname huh? Well, if you get to call me nee-chan, I get to call you otouto.” I grinned, Naru-chan's happiness spreading through his entire being. He'd be fine. I on the other hand, had a job to do.

It was time to give a little visit to the sewers.


	5. The (Slightly Delayed) Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody finds out some interesting information, and Naruto learns how to cook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was delayed for a week, since life kinda got a bit busy. Also, one of my editor's ended up in the hospital with pneumonia after they got caught in the rain, so there might be a few more spelling mistakes than usual. Please wish them a quick recovery! We are also moving on with the plot a bit more in this chapter, which is exciting :D
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> Edit* My second bete-reader, Laura, has recovered from her hospital stay, and she was nice enough to check this over for me! She caught some embarrassing mistakes, which have been fixed. Also, I would like to apologize for the lack of updates, my schedule got really busy and I didn't have time to flesh chapter six out properly, and I can't rush it since it's a very important chapter. I hope you all continue to be patient with me, and rest assured, chapter six will come at least before Christmas :D

To tell you the truth, I was still terrified of talking to the Kurama. This was a creature of incredible power that had been locked away to be used as a chakra battery for a good few decades. And here I was, just a relatively normal human being that was now going to try and reason with him. This was going to go horribly.

I stood at the entrance of the room holding Kurama, frozen in fear. The pure malice and hatred that poured out from behind the absolutely massive prison bars was something I had never felt before, and I was regretting coming here.

No. Don't forget, you are here for Naruto. You can do this. I took a deep breath and stepped forwards.

Nothing. Not a single peep. No inhuman voice threatening to eat me, no giant fox roaring in fury. I couldn't even see a single spot of orange behind the bars. I frowned, slowly inching forwards. I made sure to not get too close, not wanting to be squashed by a giant fox paw or snatched up in the Kyuubi's jaws.

Wait a minute...

I stopped and sighed, raising a hand to cover my eyes. Kurama was still sleeping right now. He only woke up around the time Naruto graduated from the Academy. That was seven years from now. I groaned, dropping my hand to stare incredulously at the still empty cage. I was such an idiot.

I can't believe I forgot that Kurama would still be asleep for another seven years or so. I let out a hysterical laugh, scrubbing my face with my hands. I got so worked up for this meeting, putting it off for years, and when I finally gather enough courage to face the overgrown fox, he's asleep. I shot the cage one last searching look before turning around and marching out of the room.

Now I wouldn't say it was a waste of time, since my visit had allowed me to remember some important information, but I was still annoyed with myself for stressing out about this so much. I growled under my breath, stalking through the endless corridors that made up Naruto's mind. I took a left, hitting a dead-end. I didn't pause, just walked through the wall into the control-room.

Hiding the control-room had been my idea, thoughts of anybody gaining even a miniscule amount of control over Naruto making me paranoid about security. Said child just thought it was awesome that he could walk through a wall. I sat down in one of the various chairs that were in the room, settling down with a nice cup of tea summoned with a thought.

I might not need any kind of sustenance like food or water, but I still enjoyed the taste. Sleep was a slightly tricky thing, since I could go for a week with no sleep but lost power the longer I went without a nap. It had come in handy when Naruto was a baby, since I didn't get too tired when he kept interrupting my nights.

“So the Hokage visits you here every month or so check up on you. And since you saw him last week when you pranked Anbu, there's a chance he won't come until your month of training is over.” Naru-chan nodded at Takeda-san's words, taking a sip of his jasmine tea.

“Okay, good. We'll move you to Hachiro's with some essentials as soon as possible, hopefully either today. You will sleep at his place tonight no matter what happens. When the month is up and the Sandaime comes over for his visit, we will wait here for him and tell him you've been training with us, and since you tired yourself out each day we just let you crash at Hachiro's place.”

Takeda-san looked a bit nervous about messing with the Hokage's placement of Naruto, but also determined to not let it continue. “It'll be like a trial run. 'Look, he spent the last three weeks in the middle of a shinobi district and nothing went wrong.' If we spin it correctly, we should be able to make the move permanent.”

“And if you can't? What if he makes me live here no matter what you say?” Naruto shrunk into his chair, not wanting to doubt the man he considered a grandfather but not being able to help it. “Then me and Hachiro will come over to fix this place up. I'll teach you how to cook, help you with groceries and show you how to keep your apartment clean.”

She smiled reassuringly at Naruto, and I nodded in satisfaction when he beamed back. “Hachiro has plenty experience on how to fix walls and floors, so he'll do that and also make sure you know how to do it yourself. He'll also help you set better traps around your windows and door.” Here she paused and looked at Naruto with an inquiring look.

“I noticed that the hinges of your front door are quite rusty from lack of use, and that the window leading to the fire-escape has some deactivated traps around it. Do you use the fire-escape to get in and out? I can't say I blame you, I nearly lost a shoe to the stairs, they were so sticky. I was just wondering how you did that with groceries.”

Naruto rubbed the back of his head with a sheepish smile. “I do use the fire-escape. There was this couple a few years ago... Groceries are not that hard, I just use a backpack. I never get much anyway, so it's fine.” Takeda-san narrowed her eyes. “Couple?” She shook her head, taking another sip of her tea.

“We'll talk about that later. You said you didn't get much stuff when getting groceries. What do you get? Are you eating enough meats and vegetables? It's very important that a shinobi-in-training eats the correct amount of food, otherwise you won't be able to develop properly.” Naruto coughed, mumbling the answer under his breath.

“People don't like selling me food. I always get the stuff that's nearly rotten, and I have to pay extra. Instant noodles and cereal are about the only things I can afford to buy in bulk. I eat a lot of food even if I don't exercise a lot. I run out.” Takeda-san got whiter the longer Naruto talked, causing him to trail of uncertainly.

“People won't sell you good food? And you run out sometimes?” The older woman suddenly looked murderous. “They dare sell a child bad food?! No child can live off instant ramen and cereal. By kami, it'll be a miracle if this doesn't stunt your growth! No hot shower, no good food, a shitty apartment in a bad district. What the hell was the Hokage thinking?!”

Naruto and I watched with concern as Takeda-san got up and started pacing around our kitchen. “This village has gone down the drain! That this kind of treatment of a child is not only tolerated, but encouraged is disgusting!” The agitated shinobi spun around without warning, walking up to Naruto in four long strides. She knelt down and gently cradled his hands.

“I will not let this continue. I am going to make sure you can buy good food, and if anybody dares to try and sell you rotten stuff, I'm going to shove it so far up their ar...!” She suddenly cut off, having realized she was about to curse in front of a child. “You gonna shove it up their butts, right?” Takeda-san choked, eyebrows raising. “Yeah. How did you know...?” 

Naruto grinned proudly. “Aki-chan taught me! She's taught me a lot of swearwords and insults, actually. She wanted to make sure my creativity wouldn't be restrained by my lack of vocabulary.” I would have told Naruto to make Aki-san stop teaching him how to curse like a sailor, except she had been teaching him actually very good insults.

“And who is this Aki-chan? Is she a friend of yours?” Takeda-san seemed hesitant, probably bracing herself for some more depressing news. “She's one of the whores that works in the red-light district next to this one. I hang out with her and her friends when they're off-duty. They teach me lots of stuff, and they let me eat snacks as well!”

I was actually a big fan of Aki-san and her colleagues. They taught Naruto some very interesting things, from stretches to fun facts about the history of the different Hidden villages. Their house was one that had mostly shinobi customers, and they told the girls all sorts of things. They shared only the harmless information with Naruto.

(I did not consider insults and swearwords harmful. The offer to teach Naruto how to pole-dance was also very much appreciated, but it would have to wait until Naruto was a bit older.)

Naruto then went on to explain just how we met Aki-san and her friends, a story which involved cabbages, four pounds of cherry-flavoured whipped-cream and a drunk gay couple from Suna. I watched on as Naruto spun his grand tale, Takeda-san looking to be hovering between disbelief and amusement.

The peaceful moment (as peaceful as Naruto could be) was interrupted by an enormous growl. I blinked, the temperature raising a bit in the control-room as Naruto blushed. I checked the clock that was hanging behind Takeda-san, smiling ruefully when I noticed that it was lunch time. Time really flew when you get offered a new home.

'Naru-chan, as interesting as your story is, you really need to eat. You had a hard day yesterday, and today hasn't been easy either. Your body needs nutrition in order to recover.' Naruto pouted, and I was prodded with disgruntlement. I raised an eyebrow, not responding. I only had to wait four seconds before Naruto caved.

“So, it's lunch time and I didn't eat dinner yesterday so I really need to make myself a good meal...” Naruto trailed off, not knowing the proper social cues in a situation like this. Takeda-san smiled, walking around the table and standing in front of Naruto. “How 'bout you come over to Hachiro's place, and I show you how to make a simple meal?”

Naruto paused, the offer taking him by surprise. He seemed to realize that Takeda-san had been serious about her decision to take care of him, and tears threatened to well up. He dragged his sleeve across his face, then launching himself at Takeda-san to wrap his arms around her neck. “Thank you.”

I wasn't the only one that knew he didn't just mean for the offer of cooking lessons, and I felt Takeda-san pull Naruto close. “Anytime kid, anytime.”

-

After Naruto had calmed down a little bit, he and Takeda-san cleaned up the kitchen together then set out for Hachiro's apartment. Takeda-san carried Naru-chan, running across the roofs at an incredible speed. Naruto was having the time of his life, whooping with glee as Takeda-san cleared three roofs in a single jump. I was just shaking my head at the disregard for the laws of physics.

Shinobi were very good at that. Breaking rules, I mean. There was a reason religion and science were mostly dismissed by shinobi. Most religions had some sort of rule against killing, and people were more interested in chakra then science. Orochimaru being the obvious exception, and even he was more chakra focused.

We'd arrived at Hachiro's apartment while I had been lamenting over the impossibleness of shinobi. Takeda-san nearly busted the door down with her knocking after she let Naruto down. “Oy, Hachi! Get your arse out here, I brought the kid over to teach him how to cook.” I laughed as Hachiro swung the door open with a scowl on his face.

He was wearing a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt, and he had drool on his cheek. That, combined with the sleepy eyes and the creases on his face told me that we'd woken him up. “I don't understand how you can spend two days straight awake on a mission without it having any negative effects on you, yet you can sleep until three in the afternoon if I let you.”

Hachiro grumbled under his breath, and I raised an eyebrow at some of the insults he used. I'd have to remember those. “Are you gonna let us in or what? Nee-chan is gonna teach me how to cook.” 'Naruto, don't be rude. You're talking to one of your teachers, and you don't know Hachiro-san well enough to be that informal.' I scolded him.

Naruto's eyes widened, and he gave a short bow. “Sorry Hachiro-sensei, I was being very rude. Could we please use your kitchen to make lunch?” I could see in the corner of the screen that a surprised look had flashed across Takeda-san's face, while Hachiro remained impassive. He looked at us for a minute, then turned around and walked back inside without warning.

“What are you waiting for? You said you were going to make lunch for me. Get to it, I'm hungry.” Naruto blinked, a bemused feeling rising for a second, which was quickly overrun by excitement. He walked into the apartment without hesitation, taking in the living room with a quick look. He dismissed it, heading for the kitchen he could see through an open door.

“Okay Naruto-kun, it's time to teach you how to cook. We're going to start with a simple meal of rice, fish and a salad. First you make the salad, since it will take the longest preparation-wise and it's already cold.” Takeda-san explained as she grabbed a big bowl from one cupboard and a cutting-board from another.

“For the salad we are making today we're going to use lettuce, tomatoes, onions, paprika and apples. The dressing in going to be olive-oil, vinegar, pepper and salt. Very simple and tasty.” She pulled the items from the fridge as she listed them. “Now pay attention.”

Naruto tilted his head, confused while I was grabbing a piece of paper to write this stuff down. “The lettuce is the base of the salad. It's going to be the ingredient you use the most off, and it's going to decide what kind of salad you're making. There's a bunch of different types of lettuce, I'll get into that later.” Takeda-san grabbed a knife the size of Naruto's forearm and chopped of a sizeable chunk of the lettuce.

“Now, you always want to clean most of the ingredients before you use them. I find it easier to clean the lettuce before cutting it up into pieces.” She took the piece over to the sink, and held it under the water while shaking it gently. She then squeezed it to get out the water, and took it back over to the cutting-board.

“Do you want to try cutting up the tomatoes, paprika and apples? I'll do the onions, since you need to be quick so that it doesn't have time to get into your eyes. Nasty business, cutting onions. Garlic as well, which is also very sticky.” She gave us a much smaller knife and a second cutting-board. “Once you get better and faster at chopping, I'll let you try the onions.”

Naruto didn't protest, remembering that one time he tried cutting onions before. “The pieces don't really have to be even, as long as they aren't too big. Make sure to wash everything, and don't forget to peel the apples.” Takeda-san paused, turning to grab something from a drawer behind her.

She handed it to Naruto, and I saw that she'd given us a peeler. “I'm not going to let you peel things with a knife until your motor-control improves, so you can use this in the mean time.” My mind flashed images of cut open fingers at me, and I silently thanked Takeda-san. “Now off you chop! Those ingredients aren't going to cut themselves.”

Naruto grinned at the pun, and went to grab the nearest apple. “Oh.” Takeda-san turned around with an eyebrow raised, then echoed Naruto when she realized the problem. “Hey Hachi, do you have a stool anywhere? Naruto's too short to reach the counter!” Her voice rang through the apartment, nearly loud enough to raise the dead.

“Quit your shouting woman! There should be a stool under the table.” With the temporary problem fixed, Naruto took the apples to the sink for cleaning, then dragged to stool over to the cutting-board. Takeda-san and he cut the ingredients in silence, Naruto sticking out his tongue in concentration.

All the ingredients were quickly chopped up, and the dressing was a simple matter of mixing a small amount of olive-oil and vinegar together, then adding salt and pepper. “Okay, so we now have a salad. Now, there are a lot of different ways to make fish, but we're just going to throw it into the frying pan.” Said frying pan was quickly retrieved from the dishwasher when she couldn't find it in it's cupboard.

“Hachiro, what did I tell you about putting your pans in the dishwasher?” The answer was muffled but understandable. “To not to do it, since it damages some layer or whatnot. But I'm not going to clean them by hand when I have a dishwasher to do it for me.” Takeda-san scowled, putting a hand on her hip and waving her large knife around. “You'll regret that when your food sticks to your pans and it burns, no matter how much oil you use.”

Naruto giggled, taking amusement at Hachiro-san's suffering. The rest of the preparation for the meal passed without further incident, and soon the delicious smells of the fish were wafting around the apartment. “Naruto, go get Hachiro. I'll set the table, since the plates and glasses are in the top cupboards.” He nodded, and ran off to fetch Hachiro.

We found him sleeping in his bed, the blankets pulled over his head. “Hachiro-sensei, lunch is ready. We made fish and rice with a salad.” A mop of brown hair peeked out, equally brown eyes staring at us from the shadows of the blanket. “I'll be there in a minute.” Naruto wasted no time speeding back to the kitchen, eager for food.

Hachiro walked in soon after, and sat down with a grin. “Looks tasty! Good job Naruto-kun.” The walking ball of sunshine nearly glowed, and squirmed in his seat. “Thanks Hachiro-sensei! I hope you like it.” Said man paused, his fork-full of fish halting half-way to him mouth. “About that. You've been calling me sensei, yet I heard you refer to Arisu as nee-chan several times already.” It wasn't a question.

Naruto treated it like one anyway. “Well, you're my sensei. Nee-chan is nee-chan since we talked a lot today and she-” Here he cut himself off, looking at Takeda-san for help. “I offered to let him live here for the next three weeks until the month of training with Anbu is over.” Hachiro looked from Naruto to Takeda-san slowly, narrowing his eyes.

“How bad?” His voice was cold, icy anger sparking in his eyes when Naruto shrunk back. Takeda-san had a stony look on her face when she responded. “He lives in one of the shittiest apartment-buildings in the Yarusenai district. There's holed in the floor, old blood stains on the wall and he had to take a cold shower yesterday, which is apparently a common thing.” The fury in Hachiro's eyes grew into a blaze, and he started giving off killing-intent.

“Control yourself!” Takeda-san snapped. “You're scaring Naruto-kun.” Hachiro reigned himself in, taking a deep breath. Takeda-san gave him a disapproving look. “This is not the kind of thing we should be talking about during lunch, it'll put us off our appetites.” She turned to Naruto, giving him a gentle smile. “If you want, you can keep going.”

He cleared his throat, shooting Hachiro-san one last nervous look. “Nee-chan is nee-chan because we talked a lot today, and she was okay with it. I don't really know you that well, and I don't want to be disrespectful or offend you, so I call you Hachiro-sensei.” Naruto shifted in his seat, eyes on his food. “I could call you something else if you want.”

Since Naruto was looking down, I couldn't see how Hachiro-san reacted. All I could do was send calming and comforting vibes at Naru-chan. “Just sensei is fine, no need to make the title so long.” Naruto looked up, his brilliant smile mirroring the delight that he felt. “Sure sensei! Speaking of teaching, are we starting with my lessons today or later?”

Takeda-san laughed, sending us a terrifying grin. “You won't sound so eager by the time we're done with you. You have a lot to learn, and only so much time to learn it in. We're going to push you harder than you've ever been pushed, but trust me when I say it won't be for nothing.”

She winked at us, her grin softening into something nicer. “Whether or not you can sneak up on an Anbu by the end of the month is still up for debate, but one way or another there will be results. I hope you're prepared, because you just gave up free time for the next three weeks.” I let out a terrifying grin of my own, and I felt Naruto mirror me.

“Bring it on.”


	6. The (Painful) Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That one required training chapter in any Naruto story, featuring WalkingBruise!Naruto, SadisticTeacher!Takeda-san and Cameo!Hachiro-sensei. Also appearing are Sneaky!Anbu, Nameless!Uchiha genin, HardHitting!Logs and Sharp!Wire.
> 
> OR
> 
> Naruto starts learning how to kick ass without people knowing he's kicking their ass, Anbu are ghosts, Takeda-san is both a merciless teacher and a great story teller, Hachiro-sensei is Unsympathetic™, logs hurt, shinobi wire is tricky, Uchiha genin are jumpy, and the shinobi world has far too many people famous for massacres.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of, I'd like to say I am so so sorry that this chapter took nearly three months to update just when I said my update schedule would stay consistent at once a week. Thing's got a bit hectic, we flew to Australia and had to get some stuff done there, and I've been really uninspired and drained from the travelling. Who knew that sitting in a car for hours on end sucks the life out of you ;P
> 
> I'm probably going to change my schedule to every two weeks on Sunday, since I've discovered that updating is Hard™ and I need to give my beta's room to breathe.
> 
> I'd like to thank my sister for bugging me about this chapter (the words 'chapter six' still make me twitch), LeaLea for leaving me the nicest and just fucking adorable comment I've ever gotten on a story and all of you for being patient with me <3
> 
> Also, my two beta's Laura and Ultra did an amazing job checking this chapter over as usual, thank you so much you two, I don't know where I'd be without you ( ͡°Ɛ ͡°)
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy chapter six!

It was just the first day of training, and Naruto had already been turned into one big walking bruise.

The first ones, including a particularly large one that went from his left hip all the way up to his right shoulder, were from when he fell out of a Hashirama tree when an Anbu had snuck up on him early in the morning, along with a matching set on his wrists when their partner caught him just before he hit the ground.

That'd set the pattern for the rest of the day.

When he’d finished with ANBU, Takeda-san had started training him in traps. The thing about shinobi, they mostly used a special type of metal wire instead of rope. It was much more durable, flexible, and didn't slide loose the way normal metal wire did.

This meant that it was also a lot harder to use, and Naruto had many, many cuts all over his fingers from handling the strange new material. The cuts had been joined by burns when he’d accidentally caught a genin Uchiha, and the boy had sent a special fire jutsu up the wires before Takeda-san could interfere. Nothing serious, but it did add another layer to the various aches and pains of the day.

He’d also gained another bruise not five minutes later, this time a big round one just beneath his ribs. This one had been thanks to getting hit in the stomach by a log trap set by Takeda-san. The trap had also given him a small scratch on the back of his head after he’d hit a broken branch on the way down.

By the time Hachiro-sensei took over his training, Naruto was a tiny ball of bruises and pain wrapped up in a bright green jacket matched with light blue pants. Well, they used to be blue, now they were a bit more brown, with some red mixed in for good measure.

Thankfully, the kind of training he did with Hachiro-sensei didn't give him any more bruises or cuts, but that was only because it was his muscles turn to suffer. Hachiro-sensei was teaching him the beginner's version of his own special stealth walk, which required a lot of muscle control.

I had to coax Naruto into eating after training was done, he was so tired. But it was a good kind of tired, and he fell asleep with a smile on his face despite all the injuries. I spent a few hours making sure they were healing right, directing his healing chakra to the biggest bruises first, then making sure it fixed his hands.

I let it deal with the rest on it's own, and rolled away from the chakra-control station over to another one tucked into the corner of the control-room. There were several things I wanted to have the ability to do before Naruto entered the Academy, and only two months and three weeks to set it all up and practice.

Then there was the matter of Kurama, and that I hadn't told Naruto about him yet. I'd promised to tell, but I wasn't planning on doing it until after this month was over. Training would hopefully distract him until then, which should give me plenty of time to prepare a little speech and set everything up.

Sewers weren't the best place for introductions, after all.

-0-

There was a good reason I'd put so many protections around the control room, and the reason was in the name. It was a control room. This was where all the controls and access points were for everything. Along one wall, there were the connect point for Naruto's nervous system, the chakra control station and the main access point for Naruto's memories.

On the opposite wall I had the secondary memory access point, which was better for more specific searches, which was sitting between the main knowledge bank and the secondary general control station. The main control point was located on the wall opposite of the door, along with the main screen and the emergency chakra lever.

I'd worked to create and get that lever working for the sole purpose of either Kurama getting out of control or Orochimaru deciding that Naru-chan needed a tattoo-hickey combo. The latter was unlikely to happen, but I wasn't taking any chances. The moment those teeth come within thirty centimetres, I was shutting down as many chakra points as I could afford.

There was no way in hell I was letting that curse mark get a foothold in my Naru-chan's chakra system, I'd take the bloody thing on in hand-to-hand combat before I let it get that far. I was also hoping that the shut-down would at least weaken the Five-Point seal if Orochimaru stuck it onto our stomach again.

Long story short, the control-room was the one place that I never wanted anybody in the entire world to find, no matter how much I trusted them or how good of a person they were. I was already a bit nervous about the whole 'bits of Minato and Kushina's souls sealed in with the Kurama' thing. 

What would happen when Naruto eventually opened the seal? Would they know I was in here as well, would they try and get rid of me? Could they? And what would Kurama do, when he finally got some freedom, would I have to expand all the halls to let him roam free?

I blinked, snorting as a though occurred to me. Would I be able to shrink him? I bet he'd look adorable. I'd never forgotten the Jinchuuriki song with it's chibi Bijuu, and I wouldn't mind seeing Kurama like that again.

Shaking my head to try and get rid of the image of a cute Kurama, I went back to work, calling up and dismissing various ways to try and make Naruto's body seem less like a zombie while his consciousness was in here.

I had a vague idea of a seemingly bored Naruto sitting in class, while the two of us where actually in here, with me teaching Naruto the useful bits in a way he would better understand. Of course, I knew that no matter what I did, Naruto probably wouldn't do that much better in the Academy.

The classes simply revolved too much around theory for the bouncy ball of energy that was the Kyuubi jinchuuriki. Not to mention that it was a miracle in on itself that he could even do two of the three Academy Basics, since they used such a miniscule amount of chakra.

To be honest, I wasn't even sure if Naruto had actually been using the Academy versions, or if he'd maybe mutated them by pouring a ridiculous amount of chakra into them. I had some faint memories about Naruto being able to use a solid Henge, along with supposedly semi-solid malformed Bushins, but I wasn't sure if that was actually canon or just too much fanfiction.

Then there was also the matter of whether or not I should let the original teams be formed, since if Naruto moved up even a just one spot in the class rankings, Team Seven would end up with a different Dead Last.

A lot of the missions Team Seven went on only succeeded because of Naruto's inability to stay down and stay dead, along with his spot on impression of a fucking wrecking ball at times. If Kakashi, Sasuke and Sakura ended up with an actual Dead Last, there was a good chance at least one of them would end up dead.

Also, what would happen to Naruto in that equation? In most fanfiction, the author just switched with one of the other Rookie Nine, shuffling the teams around a bit in order to keep the main characters together. But this was the real world (I think), and things don't work that way.

Even if it did, there was also the whole 'failing the graduation exam three times in a row' thing. And I couldn't forget about Mizuki either.

There was also another, much more pressing and dangerous matter that I'd been avoiding.

The Uchiha Massacre was going to happen two years from now, unless I did something to change it. It was already brewing, the Uchiha genin's reaction convinced me of that. Because what genin would lash out that violently to being trapped like that in the middle of the village?

It would have been perfectly normal to assume that it was just an accident, yet he'd reacted like it was a deliberate attack and he wasn't going to be shown any mercy.

The little genin's reaction also showed me that the build-up to the Uchiha Massacre was even worse then I'd thought, and that it would take a lot of work to rebuild the bridge between the village and one of it's founding clans.

Normally I'd say that a carefully laid out plan would be best, since not a lot of young children had the power to fix these kinds of rifts, but I was sharing a body with Uzumaki Naruto. Healing rifts and connecting to people was what he did best. And if he did it while beating the crap out of them, who was I to question his methods? They worked.

So for now I'd just point out the genin's unusual reaction to Naruto, give some theories as to why that might be, sit back as the little ball of sunshine attached himself to the powerful clan, and go from there. The shinobi world was insane enough that it might actually work.

Also, I had no desire to deal with the angsty ball of hate and revenge that Sasuke would become should I fail, which was a great incentive to succeed. Maybe saving Itachi from his own messed up mind would also end up on the list of things to do and fix, but I wasn't holding my breath.

That kid really drew the short stick in life, and was already well on his way into unrepairable fucked-upness. He would be somewhere around eight or nine now, already a chunin and probably climbing the ranks of Anbu right this very moment. Not to mention the massive amount of pressure he got from his father and clan to get even stronger.

They probably saw him as either their ticket to connecting to the village again, or a weapon to help take over during the coup. The Hokage, I think, also saw the kid as a way to get the Uchiha back, and Danzo saw only a weapon of mass destruction to be manipulated. I was probably one of the few that saw him as the unlucky and incredibly burdened child that he was.

If I could save him from himself and others, I would, but if he was lost, I sure wasn't going to tell Naruto to chase him. He was never my favourite in the series, and fanfiction had done little to make me warm up to him. Maybe meeting him in real life would change that, but I wasn't hopeful.

-0-

We fell into a routine pretty quickly, with Anbu in the morning, Takeda-san for midday and Hachiro-sensei for evenings. Some days were as tough as the first, others easier and the more time wore on, the days became even tougher we got. A week seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, and suddenly Naruto and I were planning and preparing for our ultimate trap.

We were going to use it against our Anbu 'teachers' as a way to show-off our newly trained skills. It wouldn't be as big as The Prank, but it had to be more elaborate, otherwise we wouldn't get them. They were expecting us and knew how our pranks worked, so we had to work without two of our greatest advantages.

It took a week of planning in whatever free time we could get our hands on, and even then we barely got it done in time. Our usual contact didn't have the things we needed, so instead we had to use substandard supplies from a different dealer, who very nearly ripped us off with duds.

“Look buddy, I need this shit for something important and you're wasting my time with these duds. Either give me the real thing for our agreed price, or I'll take my business elsewhere. Guys like you are a dime a dozen, and I'm sure one of them won't try to rip me off.” The shady merchant looked nervous for about half a second, then handed us the real tags we asked for.

Naruto shot him a slightly feral grin, handed over the money and ran off back to training. We'd gotten a ten minute break from Takeda-san since the wire we'd been working with had snapped from overuse and lack of maintenance. She'd looked at the snapped wire with a raised eyebrow, then sent us off while she went to get a new one.

When we came back after storing our new tags in a safe place, Takeda-san was waiting for us, not just with a new ninja wire, but also some other things.

“I forgot that you aren't an Academy student yet, meaning you have no idea how to care and maintain your equipment, so I'll just teach you now.” She pointed to each object in turn, showing us the proper way to clean out wires and how to roll them up in such a way that they didn't tangle while you weren't using them.

She also told us about the ways shinobi from other countries took care of their wires, and which oils they used. For example, Iwa mostly used oil that came from inside their mountains to maintain their shinobi equipment, while Kumo used a special blend that ensured their wires could withstand extreme temperatures, since it could get crazy cold in their Hidden Village.

In Konoha we mostly used oil mixed with Hashirama tree sap for our equipment, which helped it withstand not only rust, but also other environmental wear. You could go to an old battlefield from the war, pick up an old wire, and with just a bit of our oil blend, your wire would be as good as new. Kunai and shiruken were a different story, but even those lasted longer than those from other countries.

It had something to do with the Hashirama trees, which were notoriously hard to damage. Out of all the Elemental nations, Konoha held the record for least forest fires, along with the record for best preserved environment after a war. The average table or chair carved from Hashirama wood could last for years.

In fact, there wasn't a single recorded case of something build out of Hashirama wood rotting or getting termites. There was a good reason that the majority of the village was built out of wood, and it wasn't just because we had an abundance of the material.

It was actually quite fascinating for me, but unfortunately Naruto wasn't very interested in the uses of Hashirama wood, not after he found out it refused to burn. And I hadn't yet thought of a way to use it in a prank, so my curiosity would have to wait.

But back to weapon maintenance, Takeda-san had been explaining about the different ways to sharpen a kunai, depending on how you were going to use it. If you were a close-range fighter, there was a larger possibility of your kunai coming into play during hand-to-hand combat. Mid-range and long-range fighters on the other hand, your kunai were mostly used as throwing weapons.

Depending on how specialized you were, there were even different types of kunai that you could get. Different countries also had different models, with Iwa favouring longer kunai designed to be thrown, while Kumo's standard model were thicker, and better suited to channelling chakra.

“Do your best to avoid lighter coloured kunai wielded by Kumo nin, they tend to be infused with Lighting chakra. Stings like a bitch.” Takeda-san warned us with a wry grin. “Also, Mist nin tend to hide senbon in the shadows of their kunai, so if you can, dodge to the side or up. If you duck down, you'll end up with a needle sticking out of your forehead.”

It was fascinating, and Naruto bugged Takeda-san for more information until she cancelled training for the day and continued giving us advice about ways to deal with certain shinobi and special weapons. “If you see shinobi wielding a non-standard weapon, there are several ways you can deal with them.”

“A genin for example, will usually be very dependant on the weapon, and can be much weaker without it. They don't really have a large diversity of attacks they can use with it, so they'll stick to the same one, using it over and over again until it works. But be careful, this isn't always true and you should still be cautious when dealing with any enemy.”

“Chunin with special weapons are a whole other category. You need to be very careful with those, since they usually know their weapon and it's abilities quite well, and they also aren't too weak without them. They have more experience as well, so they know their weapons weakness just as well as they know it's strengths.”

“If you come across a jonin with a special weapon, let your sensei deal with them. They will be more than a match for you, even without the weapon. They will know it's strengths, it's weaknesses and are intimately familiar with it. It's more of an extension of their bodies than a weapon, and they can wield it with deadly grace.”

Naruto was looking up at Takeda-san with wide, enraptured eyes, while I was writing down what she said word for word. She smiled down at us, cleared her throat and kept going.

“And it's not just special weapons you need to watch out for. Most villages have a standard uniform, so if you run across anybody with a personalized outfit, the best thing to do is keep your distance and see just what it is that the outfit gives as advantages.”

“Like poison users. They tend to wear clothes that cover a lot of skin, especially face mask. If a shinobi is wearing armour, that can mean they're a heavy-hitter, so don't let them get too close. Robes can mean several things, from hiding weapons or armour to protection from skin-contact poisons.”

“If you can, wear shirts with long sleeves and pants with long legs whenever you can. If the shirt has a built in mask, even better. Pull it up whenever you're fighting an enemy, you never know if they have some sort of knockout gas or poison. Hell, wear it any time you're out on a mission so that you don't get any nasty surprises.”

Naruto was practically vibrating in place, finally blurting out the question that he'd wanted to ask since she mentioned personalized clothes.

“Is there anybody here in Konoha that wears special clothes or has a special weapon?” Takeda-san looked amused at the question, a smile dancing at her lips at Naruto's enthusiasm.

“There are some people with personalized clothes, like Maito Gai, who wears a green jumpsuit. And two very famous examples of specialized weapons would be the Sandaime, who fights with his main summon who can turn into a thick staff, and the Yondaime, who mainly fought with his custom marked kunai.”

I perked up at the mention of Minato, curious as to what Takeda-san had to say about the man that was Naruto's father. “He killed over a thousand Iwa nin in a single battle during the war. It earned him both his nickname, Konoha's Yellow Flash, and also the honour of being the first SS-Rank shinobi in the history of ranking.”

Naruto's eyes widened, and I could feel a wave of hero-worship rising. Eh, there were worse ways to feel about your father.

Takeda-san smirked at Naruto's starry eyes, continuing in a dramatic voice.

“Not even the Shodaime got that ranking, and he was the first man to be known as the God of Shinobi. Uchiha Madara was the only one that could match him, and when they had their final clash, they irreversibly changed the landscape, creating a giant valley called the Valley of the End. And yet they still didn't earn the rank of SS.”

Uchiha Madara. I knew that name, what Naruto fan didn't. He was the fucker that tried to screw over the world, and thought it would be a brilliant idea to piece the Juubi back together and force the world into submission with bullshit dreams. A scowl twisted my face at the reminder that Naruto and I would probably have to deal with that guy at some point.

“Do you know why, Naruto-kun? It's because as powerful as they were, neither of them had ever taken on more than forty shinobi at a time, while the Yondaime killed a thousand all on his own. That's why we won the war, that's why Namikaze Minato was chosen as the next Hokage and that's why to this day people still whisper about Konoha's Yellow Flash all over the Elemental Nations.”

I personally didn't see the appeal of being famous for a massacre, but it seemed to be a trend in the shinobi world. First Minato, then Itachi. That one Mist Kage, Yagura, also seemed to have tried to join the exclusive world, but he didn't count since the clans of Mist didn't die at his own hand.

And people said Naruto was the crazy one.


	7. Discontinued, rewritten in other story.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This version of What The FU-dge... has been discontinued, in part because I was not satisfied with the earlier chapters, and when I was rewriting them, I veered heavily off course, and basically wrote a whole different story, even if the idea was the same.

I'm really sorry, but this version of What The FU-dge... has been discontinued. I wasn't happy with the earlier chapters, and when I attempted to fix them, I ended up veering off course, writing a completely different story. I continued writing along that line, and you can find the new version of What The FU-dge... on my account. It will be updated with mild regularity, the chapters will be longer and the plot will be more worked out and realistic, as I was not actually attempting to write a crack fic xD.

For those of you that followed this story, thank you so much for your support, this is really the story that convinced me that I could actually be an author, and not just a girl saying she's a writer. I hope that you'll continue to read my stories, and if you don't I hope you've enjoyed your stay here, and I wish you the best out there in this turmulus world of fanfiction ;P

The new What The FU-dge has the same title, and it's the story I've most recently updated, so all you have to do to find it is to click on my account name, then on Work, it'll show up at the top.

This will be the last time I update this version of WtFU.


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